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The event had ended hours ago, and afterwards Apollonia had returned to her room and fallen asleep almost immediately.  She hadn’t felt right since . . .  Well, she wasn’t sure what happened after she had passed out in the armory.  No one had told her how she had been saved, what had happened to the Hev that had blown in the door.  Maybe some kind of automated defense system?  Though she’d heard that the Hev had somehow blanked the computers in the area, killing such defenses.

She knew something had happened.  But she did not want to examine it deeper.  It did not sit well with her to probe into such things, even when it affected her directly.  She’d spent her whole life in ignorance, and sometimes – sometimes – she thought it was better for some things to remain unknown.

It hadn’t felt like she’d been asleep long when the urgent message woke her.

It was only a voice; Jaya.

“Apollonia Nor, report to my office in thirty minutes.”

Her stomach flipped, and she wasn’t sure if she could handle food.

She really wanted to just go back to sleep, ignore the call.  She would have at another time in her life, but now . . .

She didn’t want to betray the trust of some people.  Not again.

Dragging herself up, she considered a stim, but those never sat right with her, and she ended up feeling horrible a few hours afterwards.

Instead she drank a quick cup of tea, dressed in the best clothes she had – a slightly more formal jumpsuit with the ship’s name and an SU logo on it.  It felt appropriate.

Making her way to the office, she remembered that her system was still blanked out, and while it could do basic functions like guide her, it had lost all of her personal data.

Looking through it, she felt a pang as she realized that even meant the Abmon language pack she’d gotten on her return trip to the Craton after visiting Earth . . .

She didn’t actually need it anymore.  Squats on Sand had been the only one of his kind aboard, and they might not even get another Abmon, given what had happened to him.

But she downloaded it again anyway.

Once she was at Jaya’s door, she stopped and adjusted her outfit, trying to look a little presentable.  Turning her tablet screen to mirror mode, she saw that she was . . . well, frumpy.  As usual.

She went in.

Jaya was sitting at her desk, as she so often was, and only glanced up as Apollonia entered.

“Sit,” the woman said, her eyes already back on her work.

Doing so, Apollonia realized with a start that they weren’t alone.  Another woman was in the room, who Apollonia knew was another of the command officers, yet she found that she couldn’t remember her name.

The woman waited patiently, leaned against the wall in a way that still somehow seemed formal.

“I believe you two have met,” Jaya said finally, looking up.

“Uh, yes,” Apollonia said.  She had been introduced to them all, she just had a terrible memory.

Kai, she thought.  That might have been her name.

“I’m Kai Yong Fan,” the woman said.  “It has been awhile, Ms. Nor.”

“Ah, right.  Thank you.”

Jaya glanced at Kai.

“You understand why we are here, I imagine.”

“I have a pretty good idea,” Apollonia said.  Her fear was growing stronger, along with her guilt.

“Dereliction of duty is a charge that we take most seriously,” Jaya said.  “And I must say – I am sorry.”

Apollonia felt like her chair had dropped away.  “What?”

“I failed you.  I should not have let you into such deep waters alone,” Jaya continued.  “It was my self-appointed task of training you, preparing you for your duties.  And I did not do that sufficiently.”

Jaya sighed, looking down again.  “Therefore, I cannot entirely blame you for your fear.”

Kai was still saying nothing, her face impassive, and Apollonia sincerely wondered what her part in this was going to be.  If Jaya was being good cop, did that mean that Kai would be the bad?

“You understand that it does not entirely excuse you for your actions,” Jaya continued.  “You did betray the trust of your comrades.”

“They were probably better off without me, to be honest,” Apollonia said, mumbling slightly.

She could tell that was the wrong thing to say.

“I’m sorry,” she said quickly.  “I know that’s not the point.  It’s just my . . . self-loathing, I guess.”

“I know you stated that you did not feel very useful, given your lack of augmentations,” Kai said.  “But this is not the point.  In nearly all circumstances we have assistance with heavy work.  It is the point of having the human element, the human mind judging a situation and devising what is right according to what matters to us that is important.  And a group effort is what makes it strong.  This is how you failed your Volunteer unit.”

Jaya spoke.  “This is correct.  Ultimately, you did not wrong us – but your comrades.”

“Will I . . . have a chance to apologize to them?” she asked.

“If you feel it necessary, of course,” Kai said.

She actually seemed like nicer cop.  Or at least neutral cop.  Was that a thing?

“Now, Apollonia,” Jaya continued.  “Would you like to continue to be a member of the Volunteers?”

Her stomach squirmed more.  The bold part of her, that wanted to become everything she could and more, wanted to jump at that opportunity.

But maybe she wasn’t ready?  She wasn’t trying to second-guess herself into inaction, but get a realistic grip on what she could actually do.

“I’d like to help people,” she said finally.  “I’d like to help.  To do my part, I guess.”

“You guess?” Jaya asked with a raised eyebrow.

“I mean, I guess that’s how to phrase it.  I mean what I say!  But . . . I’m not sure if I’m worthy of being in the Volunteers right now.”

It was Kai’s turn to look surprised.  Apollonia took that badly until the woman spoke.

“That is a good insight into yourself,” she said.  “Many Volunteers who fail either give up entirely on such work, or else continue to have a false idea of their own abilities.”

“Oh.  So that’s good?  What I said, I mean.”

“It is,” Jaya answered.  “And frankly, I would like to see you back in the Volunteers – eventually.  But Commander Kai and I have been speaking and we both believe that you need more mentoring before it would be good for you to do that.”

More education?  Oh, it just never seemed to end.

“All right,” she said instead.

“Jaya has been kind enough to aid you,” Kai said.  “But there are other resources, and you know she is quite busy.”

“Yeah,” Apollonia agreed.  So perhaps Jaya was just washing her hands of her . . .

But looking at the woman, she didn’t see loathing or hate on her face.  She didn’t see judgment or condemnation.

No, a part of her realized.  Jaya wasn’t abandoning her.  She was doing her best – and sometimes that meant handing a task over to someone else.

“Commander Yaepanaya and I will both provide several tutors for you,” Kai said.  “You will meet with them in lieu of meeting with Jaya for your preparations to take the officer candidacy test.  Is this acceptable to you?”

“What?  Oh, yes!  Absolutely.”  Apollonia swallowed hard.  “But do I get a . . . black mark on my record for my failure?”

“It is noted in your record,” Jaya said plainly.  “Because we do need to know what has been done in the past.  But as for it reflecting upon you – such things can change based on your future performance.”

“Okay,” Apollonia said.  Of all the ‘chewing outs’ she’d had, this was not like any other.

Jaya stood, and offered her hand.  “Thank you, Ms. Nor.”

Standing up, Apollonia was not sure why Jaya was offering her hand.  “I think I should be thanking you.”

Jaya smiled thinly.  “We will see each other again, but not as regularly.  I look forward to the day when you become an officer.”

Oh.  So it was . . . goodbye.

Apollonia felt a fresh sorrow flood through her, and she shook the woman’s hand more vigorously.  “Yeah . . . I look forward to that, too.”

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