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“Verena, thank god you’re okay . . .” Zach said.
His eyes were visible today, and his eyebrows angled inwards in a way that she recognized as being very strong concern.
She wasn’t sure why he was concerned now, though. It was over, and she had a clean bill of health.
“My condition was never serious, it was only a precaution,” she told him.
“I had no idea what was going on,” Zach said. “They tell me that you went into a room filled with krahteons and . . . something. They won’t say what, but then you were unconscious and put in the ICU.”
“It was nothing. Apollonia’s presence evidently creates an area of safety. Though I do not know how.”
Zach said nothing for a time, and she was content to let the silence linger. She was still feeling weak, truth be told, but it was fading and she was going to be discharged in a few hours.
“When you’re up to it, I think we need to talk about the kids,” Zach said, breaking the peace.
Ah, she saw now . . . this was still weighing heavily on his mind.
And now that he had brought it up, she knew it was important.
For years, as much as she tried, she had wanted to feel that spark, the love for her children that every mother was supposed to have.
It wasn’t that she didn’t love them. She simply felt nothing.
But she knew she was supposed to. She could recall memories of looking at them, that at those times emotions had been so strong in her that she had barely been able to take it.
She looked again, now, hoping for that little spark she had felt earlier of humor.
And she realized she was hoping.
“Verena?” Zach asked, seeing a change come over her face.
It was gone already. The feeling left as quickly as it had come. It hadn’t been love, it hadn’t been frustration. Just a slight, vague sense of hope.
It was . . . something.
“We can talk about it now,” she said to him.
“I . . . I don’t think we can move onto the station as you wanted,” Zach said. “I’m sorry, but-“
“It’s all right,” she said, putting a hand up to his face. His mouth was covered by a triangular plate, and she brushed her fingertips over it.
She hadn’t wanted to hear his reasons. Even though she knew they’d be correct.
“It isn’t a good idea,” she admitted. “For many reasons. For their happiness, for your career, for . . . for my patients,” she said. It was unusually difficult to speak, and she was not sure why. Was this a spark of emotion? On some level?
She didn’t know. She wasn’t sure she’d even recognize them when they came. If they kept coming.
“Perhaps one day, it will be different,” she continued softly.
“There may still be options to help you,” Zach said. “I know you’ve had surgeries and treatments, but artificial emotion chips are becoming better and better-“
“Shh,” she said softly. “There is . . . a chance they might work, Zach. But I doubt it . . . and . . . something I’ve realized is that . . .”
She looked up and met Zach’s eyes. There were tears in them.
“I’ve realized that my condition allows me to do this job,” she said. “A job that no one else can handle. Exactly what has broken me as a person allows me to thrive here, and help many, many people.”
She pulled her hand away from his face, looking to her own. “And as much as I could walk away, how much I might want to, if I felt . . . I’d still remember all that I’ve seen. And I do not know if I could live with the pain.”
Zach said nothing. The tears welling in his eyes had broken free, coursing down his face.
Again a silence fell, and Zach wept, shaking for her and himself and their daughters.
Verena did not like it. But she did not look away, and she knew that he might be somewhat comforted if she put her hand on his.
And after a time, it seemed to have helped, she thought.
“I . . . I should go,” he said, after some time.
She could tell from his face and eyes that he was still overwhelmed. But he would make it through, she knew. He was strong enough.
“Goodbye, Zachariah,” she said to him.
“Goodbye, Verena.”
Zach rose and left the room, glancing back at her once, with an expression she could not decipher.
Then he was gone.
It was for the best.
Other Terrestrial 